Change

Change is inevitable.

Lately I have been pondering why am I so angsty/hot tempered/more straightforward these days. Hmm well I do not really need people to point out to me for me to realize that I've changed drastically. Not appearance, duh, I meant character & personality wise. Actually I have long ago felt that I changed already, but that period of time, was the busiest period of my life rushing through deadlines after deadlines, tests after tests and assignments after assignments. Now that I have been spending me-time lately, I begin to reflect and think how much I have changed. Quite a lot actually, and this is actually bothering me. I have changed so much, I cannot actually remember how timid and passive I used to be.

I blamed the projects, my tests, my assignments, the late nights, the people around me that pissed me off constantly till no end and many other things for the change in me. Till now, as much as I would like to blame the things around me, I actually have myself to blame too. I think I have been too caught up with all the things around me....that I actually neglected how I feel, by bottling up everything and exploding all at once like an erupted volcano, which so far, has yet to be tamed.

I finally decided to put my blog up on my twitter because I think there is no point hiding? I mean, I don't like the attention. The more I hide, the more people want to know. This blog was actually set up like urm, six years ago to update my friends bout my life and thoughts but it ended up..... :S

That being said, I also need my space. For the umpteenth time, I do not like people to tell me "Oh hey, 'shit' is a bad word, don't you dare say it." or "You went clubbing, you've changed." I probably did the former because sometimes, I just blurt out without much thought when I'm angry (who doesn't?) and for the latter, clubbing, I was doing it in the name of fun... I am so not a hardcore clubber getting wasted 100% of the time. In fact, I've been protecting my friends, and going home SOBER because I know my limits. And just so you know, socializing is of paramount importance, and it plays a big part in our poly lives and it is definitely of no harm hanging out with my friends. In fact, I am blessed to have my Year 2 classmates and they are really a nice bunch of people I know.

I'm still Mummy's and Daddy's girl. I don't go against them, I don't do drugs, I don't smoke, I don't loiter around and come back in the wee hours of the morning every day, I don't argue back, I don't.......I could probably name a thousand other things to prove it.

Back to the point, that being said, I need my space. I doubt I can type how I feel about certain things openly anymore, let alone my livejournal. All I need is my close friends namely the Spaz Girls and Venus; my channel to pour out my frustrations, my anger, my sadness, joy, everything, knowing that my thoughts will be safe with them.

The people who have been hanging with me every now and then and who are close to me definitely have the rights to tell me I have changed, if I did, which I actually did. But for the people who have probably last seen or talked to me light years ago have no say, really. I don't like to be judged like that by my pictures and stuffs. Tell me, who likes to be judged? Let's just say.....you're attending a birthday party and you're taking some photos with your friends and it happens that you forgot to turn the camera's flash off so when it flashes you looked like half your eyes are closed in the picture. So can I conclude you're really wasted, which is comparable to a drunkard puking like a merlion?! Sometimes it's just pure misinterpretation, so before you actually come to a point whereby you have to judge me, please do clarify first. By the way, that was just an analogy.

Semester 2.1 have made me realize how I can be like when I am forced to be in certain situations by stretching and testing my limits such that I begin to personify someone I never thought I will be.

Change is inevitable. I am sure I will still be changing, and I'm really determined to change back to the old me. I'd rather be soft spoken and meticulous than to speak harshly without thinking which makes people think I have changed, and hurting them unknowingly. With all the determination and discipline, time will tell if I have change for the better :)